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| When Liz's dad pulled her into his arms and choked up in tears, I felt my heart swell with emotion and thought, is this going to be the very first time I actually cry at a wedding? I didn't even cry at my sister's wedding. Oh God, I hope my eyeliner is waterproof.
I didn't actually cry (although do think I was dangerously close to tearing up) and soon noticed that I seemed to be the only bridesmaid who didn't shed an actual tear.
I always found it strange that when I watch a really poignant scene in a movie or TV show, it's so easy for me to cry, but when something equally touching happens in real life, I remain stoic on the outside, even if I might find a pang of emotion inside. I wondered this out loud to Wei in the car, and she theorized something about being able to emotionally let go when you distanced yourself from the situation. I don't know though... I felt very much "in" the situation when I held my dad's hand in the hospital back in December, cried when I saw his pale fretful face. That's one of the very few times I cried in the last few years. Sometimes it scares me that I'm not often that moved emotionally. Like I have some sort of robot heart. | | |
| "When you love someone, there’s a pattern to the way you come together. You might not even realize it, but your bodies are choreographed: a touch on the hip, a stroke of the hair. A staccato kiss, break away, a longer one. It’s a routine, but not in the boring sense of the word. It’s just the way you’ve learned to fit."
--Jodi Picoult, 19 Minutes | | |
| Whenever I wear my Kenneth Cole khaki trench, I always think back to what SB said the day I ran into him at the Ivy Room. "Very Jackie-O." I laughed and pretended to know what he was talking about.
(Did he mean Jackie Kennedy? I would like to think so.)
It's amazing how much seems to happen in one year, and at the same time, how quickly one year seems to pass. Today was the faculty pie-eating contest (I guess because it's Pi Day, 3.14), and it feels like I just went to last year's pie-eating contest yesterday. I remember standing on the 4th floor balcony overlooking the atria and taking shaky video footage while egging my favorite law profs on (my Torts/LGL prof ended up winning). I think back to how different life was back then and can't help but chuckle to think how little March 2011 Jess knew about what would be in store for in just a year...
Things I did or were on my mind in March 2011:
-Sister's bachelorette (Flying to Austin, Sixth Street, Lockhart BBQ)
-other wedding stuff (bridal shower, bridesmaid dress, etc.)
-Cabaret
-Oscar Viewing Party at the BRB
-Hari the Comic
-Picking a topic for Negotiations
-Getting through Negotiations, Evidence, Patent, and Tax
-CU Symphony Orchestra and realizing that our law school dean was playing the bass
-Thinking that I had the best brother in the world because he sent me his netbook when my lenovo thinkpad started having issues
-Date Auction at the Palms
-Slugging through journal work
-Looking ahead and prepping for summer at FCHS (and worrying about it)
-Taking care of summer housing in NYC
(Wish I could say that I remembered all this off the top of my head, but I head to cheat and look a lot of it up on FB Timeline)
Things I did or are on my mind now, March 2012:
-Thinking how incredibly lucky and happy I am to have EC in my life.
-LJ's bachelorette and bridal shower
-Dumpling Throwdown with SAAGA
-Measuring cap and gown
-Twilight with WW and CJ
-tons of one-on-one lunches/dinners (I love one-on-ones)
-Wondering whether to take the NJ bar in addition to NY
-Planning out spring break
-Getting through admin, WTO, FDI, and pretrial
-Catching up on pleasure reading - finishing Ender's Shadow, and Shadow of the Hegemon
-Committed myself to learning Mandarin on my own (thanks to MIT open course ware)
-Praying for my dad | | |
| I've just been sitting here for the last 10 minutes, typing and deleting and typing and deleting. I started feeling guilty for a little bit because I'm in the 4th floor carrels where laptop use is prohibited, but I felt a little better when I heard the person next to me clacking away as well. Now I'm trying to type as softly and as discreetly as possible, but the edge that I'm feeling inside is translating into a bit of an impact on the keys. With. Each. Stroke.
I know I should be reviewing admin, or doing something else productive like read the news, but all I seem to be able to do right now is just sit here and stare at the florescence cast light off the wood paneling and ruminate over the problems I know I can't fix but wish I could. Why didn't I just say what was on my mind when I had the chance? Why didn't I anticipate certain issues that could potentially (or is already starting to?) create a rift? Why can't my dad just get better? Why are you letting this happen, God? I know You have a reason for everything, but why can't You just reveal a little bit of that -- even just a tiny little bit of that to me. Why couldn't it have been me instead?
And I find myself thinking about the problems I can fix, and yet seem to have so much trouble doing so...
Why do I get bitter so easily? Why do I have such a hard time letting things go? Why do I have such trouble remembering that no matter how much people hurt or disappoint me, I've hurt or disappointed God greater, and yet He still forgives and loves me. Am I really living out my faith? Or am I just a babbling shell (or "clanging cymbol" -1 Cor)? Why do I feel so shy reaching out to the people in my past who meant a lot to me then but feel so distant now? Why do I feel insecure about how much siblings actually care about me? How do I know the right balance between pursuing and giving people space? Why do I impose expectations on people that I can't even live up to myself? Why am I spending twenty or thirty minutes writing a xanga entry that is only making me feel worse and not better? Why why why is the angsty teenage me resurfacing now, just when I felt so happy and content and at peace?
Inhale. Exhale. I want to go home. I want to tell my daddy that everything is going to be okay. I want to tell myself everything is going to be okay. I want to tell EC, in person, how much he means to me and how much I cherish him. And then I want to sleep.
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| After looking back over my last entry, I don't think I can pull off the stream-of-conscious writing very well. No more free-writes. | | |
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